Or maybe this is for me.

I doubt that this is ever something you will read - it's far more likely that this is a cathartic exercise. It's a sad sign because writing this is what I SHOULD be saying to you, if we had a healthy enough relationship that we could actually talk. However, the reality is that there is very little I can talk to you about. The manipulative behaviour, the dramatic rages, the hellfire and damnation behaviour - it's all engineered to stop me saying anything - and hey... it works.

We're approaching nearly 3 years together, albeit with a break in the middle. You have suffered terribly from depression and there can be no doubting that and no doubting the pain, unhappiness, fear and confusion you've been living with. It should also go without saying that whilst it took you a long time to recognise that there was a problem, when you did and when you felt ready, you took yourself to the doctor and started a course of Prozac. None of those are easy steps to take, but you did and I am immensely proud of you for that.

In so many ways I'm delighted that we're back together. I've had a chance to see the "new" or perhaps "real" you. He's wonderful, kind, affectionate. I love him very much. He's the polar opposite of the man I'd spent the previous 2 unhappy years with. I'm glad too that I've been vindicated in the sense that I knew there was someone really special in amongst all those black moods and terrible anger. Friends and family would be less keen to believe that of you but even they see the difference.

But even now, it's not always plain sailing. It was never going to get magically better - and if I thought for a moment that it was, then I was just fooling myself. I've started this blog because the last couple of days have been really very difficult - almost a throw back to times of old - I've felt despair and loneliness and I miss my friend / lover. I know that at the moment the last thing you need is endless talking and analysis - BUT I HAVE NEEDS TOO.... so here I am - the first of what I suspect will be many blog entries, that I hope, will get me through the tough times ahead.

I hope, to be fair to you, that I write about the positive times and that they don't become something that's overlooked on here because I'm busy getting on with our normal lives. I'll try and be fair and representative. But I'm not making any promises. For once this is just about me.