Just for me

New Year....

2008-01-04T22:56:00+01:00

First of all I just wanted to thank those who took the time to comment on my last post. I hadn't really been expecting anyone to read these postings - they are a cathartic "outlet", but I'm so glad that you did. Your comments have given me alot of food for thought and support over the Christmas period and for that I thank you.

It also helped to have the perspective of another depressive - thank you for your openess about that. It's like a little translation phrasebook in a foreign country - gives me some idea of what's going on in his head - and you're quite right - I think alot of the time very little of it is about me - that's just not the space he's in.

To do him credit he was brilliant over the holidays - he joined my family the day after Boxing Day and made a huge effort to be easy going and good company. My parents were delighted and a jolly good time was had by all. This continued right up until New Year's Eve when he suddenly became very morose and sullen. Tricky situation when you're booked for a gig and he's offending the other band members! However, this will no longer be an issue for me in 2008 as I have decided not to gig with him anymore. He's under the impression that this is because of work and study commitments, but to be honest his erratic behaviour puts me under too much strain in those situations. My focus is the client - and that should be his focus too when we've taken a professional booking. It isn't and therefore can't continue. Having made that decision I've actually felt a huge sense of relief - so I guess it was the right one.

So 2008 is the start of new things for me - I begin an MSc next week - something I've wanted to do for ages - and this is really me doing something for ME. I'm very excited about it, and in many ways I think it's a very healthy thing as it's giving me a focus that has nothing to do with my partner and is also very positive. To date he has been very supportive about me doing this, which I really appreciate. He seems to have great confidence in me - I just need to believe that myself!

This is just a little niggle in the great scheme of things, but I do wish he would be supportive in more practical terms too. I seem to find myself in a never-ending circle of house-cleaning, food preparation, tea-making, shopping etc etc and he absolutely does NOTHING to help apart from the odd meal - probably on average once a month. I really resent this as I have a full time job and he works nominally one day a week. The rest of the time he spends on ebay and surfing the net. I suppose I should be grateful as not so long ago that included chatting up other women on dating sites! However, it leaves me feeling pretty drained and I don't know how I'm going to manage all this as well as the new course. If I raise it with him there are huge rows, tantrums and he storms out of the house. I can almost hear myself shouting at myself that I'm being manipulated here into changing my responses and behaviour to accomodate this! But what to do? It causes such tension if I say anything and I just don't need the stress of that. My mother says - well you can't change him -that's how he is...But I do resent being the bread winner and the housekeeper. Today he spent his last £450 on a set of bagpipes - today I spent the last of my money on the groceries and the bills....

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Beginning or end?

2007-12-23T03:02:15+01:00

How can you tell and indeed, what do you do if you think a relationship might not be working for you?

I'm in this constant dilemna at the moment .... is this relationship worth it? If only I had a crystal ball!

More and more I see glimpses of the old "pre-prozac" behaviour.. I know he's forgotten to take it a couple of times this week and I don't know if that makes any difference? Suddenly the old "J" is back - arrogant, sarcastic, critical.

We did a gig tonight with a bunch of other people who we don't know that well, and sure enough, just like old times, his mood changed and he was making unpleasant, "under his breath" comments which just made everyone else uncomfortable. The comments were unjustified and it was plain rudeness. I can't work out whether this is just him or whether this is the depression. If it's the depression, I guess I'll stick it out - that's not his fault. But perhaps this is actually HIM - maybe he is just not very nice? I'm drawing to the conclusion that if that's the case, then I can't see this working out. I really don't like who he is when he behaves like this. I've always maintained that love is unconditional - but lately I've found it really hard to LIKE him.

This last week or so has seen very little in the way of affection or even companionship. As an Apple Mac fan, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I'm sick to the back teeth of seeing that glowing apple - and his face submerged behind the screen... It's like my only purpose is to clean, make tea, do shopping and fork out money. I'm amazed at how lonely I feel in this relationship. I tried an finally succeeded in talking to him about it earlier in the week - he seemed shocked that I felt that way and said he hadn't realised. I really thought he'd listened, but to be honest the rest of the week has carried on much as before. I almost feel I need to pinch myself sometimes to check that I actually exist... It's a well known fact in this house now, that unless you're a computer, a cat, or someone bringing a beer - you're pretty much invisible!

Is this the depression or is this what my "love" is really like? I wish someone could tell me - perhaps that should be a request on my Christmas list!

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Not at my best...

2007-12-07T19:04:06+01:00

I'm conscious that I've probably been very up and down with my postings... I've had a bug for the last week or so and I'm finding things a bit hard going - probably more so than I normally would. There's also the issue that by venting my spleen on here, it takes the heat out of the situation between us...

Following on from you storming out the other night, you returned all smiles and hugs as if nothing had happened - you referred to it the following day, apologetic for your part but, I'm sure, still convinced that you'd done nothing wrong. In a way I'm happy to let it go because I hate the conflict, and life is so much better now that there's less of it. But on the otherhand, I was thinking today that there are times when they way that you speak to me is really unacceptable and I should do something about that / stand my ground on it, otherwise all I'm doing is colluding with your behaviour.

This leads to me to a question which is probably at the forefront of every depressive's partner's mind... How can you tell when the abusive / aggressive / sullen* (delete as applicable) behaviour is part of the depression, and when is it just bad behaviour?

I'm not sure I'm any the wiser on that than I was when we first met 3 years ago! On the one hand, I can't believe that you, as an educated, intelligent and well brought up adult, can think that the way you behave is acceptable. At the time it is so extreme and unpleasant I sometimes think of it almost as if you'd been "possessed"! I understand from my reading that this is a common occurence in depressives. The fact that you don't behave like that with anyone else makes me think that you have at least some sense of what is socially acceptable - although at the height of your depression you'd take against anyone, anywhere.

When you reflect on a particularly bad episode, your shame, distress and self-disgust is palpable, and I'm quite sure that at THAT moment, you'd have no intention of behaving in such a way.

But when the rage overtakes you, do you know what you're saying? Do you know what you're doing? Are you lashing out in defense or attack? Some of the things you say to me are incredibly spiteful, manipulative, and it would seem, calculated. You are highly intelligent and highly articulate, so the wounds your words cause can be very deep. I just don't know how aware of that you are at the time?

I maintained that right from the word go, I would stick with you through all this and support you so that you came out the other side. Despite my angry ramblings on here, you are doing extremely well, and I guess it's important not to loose sight of that in the everyday experience of living with this illness.

I am proud of you, and I do love you. I just wish it wasn't so hard... for both of us xxx

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Round and round we go....

2007-12-05T21:17:13+01:00

How sad - I almost blogged this afternoon about how great things had been with you over the last few days - you'd been a paragon of shining lovely virtue; kind, considerate, affectionate. I'd been having such a great time with you since we got back home. The only reason I hadn't blogged was that I'd got caught up with some emails I had to do...

But it would seem that my pleasure was somewhat premature and misguided as you have now "left the building" yet again. It may have taken a while but there's a pattern here - you do that when someone doesn't comply with your wishes. As with this evening when you demanded that I apologise. I refused, not to be antagonistic, but actually because I didn't (and still dont) believe that I needed to. As a result while I was making your tea, you effected your now somewhat drama-queen routine of storming out of the house muttering "pity really, it was all going so well." And indeed it was. But if it's so important to you why do you always manage to undermine our relationship in this way?

I'm sure we will always disagree about what the problem was this time, but as far as I'm concerned you asked to blind comment on a band you were playing to me - I didn't rate it very much, but then you told me you'd be asked to front them. I'd obviously given the wrong answer and you were peeved - whether you say you were or not, your reaction, tone and body language all suggest that you were. What I object to is being effectively "set up" like that and then told that I'm "in a funny mood" etc when I give the wrong answer.

I was fine - as you know I've been off colour during the last few days - but nonetheless I wanted to welcome you home warmly this evening, which I thought I'd done pretty well at! Surely you of all people should understand how infuriating it is when you take the blame for something under the guise of {"being in a mood" when you felt perfectly fine?!

What I can't understand is why you feel the need to get so snipey and unpleasant. It does nothing to strengthen our relationship and it does little to suggest that you respect and love me. I know everyone says things in anger - but you seem to say them with such ease - it takes so little for you to fly into a fury where you don't care whether you insult or belittle me. I'm sure there's an element of the depression in there, but you need to understand that they way that you treat me still hurts.

I don't like the manipulative games that you play. The storming out is really one of your trump cards. It's actually a form of controlling and bullying. If I don't say what you want me to say - you storm out. You know that it upsets me when you do, so you use it as a form of leverage. But it doesn't work - as you will have found out this evening. I'm not going to follow you out begging you not to go. Frankly if that's the way you're going to behave - I'd rather you did go. We both know that the only resolution is for me to apologise endlessly while you "punish" me for a while with rank disapproval and silence. Eventually you'll thaw and it'll be ok.... but it's not ok. This is not a healthy way to have relationships with people. There needs to be a sense of equality in any relationship - but for various reasons, you seem to need to control me. In the past you have because I would have done anything to keep the peace. I now know that this was the wrong thing to do as all it did was create an abusive environment.

I'm not going back to that again.

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Gutted....

2007-12-02T14:37:46+01:00

So... after all the waiting to see you this week, only 18 hours after you arrive, I already feel hurt. I wanted to see you so much, and last night when you arrived you were pretty good - it was good to see you. But then this morning it's like being with a stranger. The way you behaved to Anne about completing the CRB check forms was just appalling. I'm quite sure you were well aware of how rude you were being, and deliberately difficult - well bully for you, you made your point - but you embarrassed me and someone who was just trying to do their job.

Then when we get home you casually mention to my parents and I that a change of family plans means that you won't be coming for Christmas now until the 28th. First things first - I'm a huge supporter of family values and wouldn't for a minute suggest that you DIDN'T see them. What hurts is the fact that you announced it - there was no discussion about it - it was a fait acomplis. If you really wanted to, there are plenty of ways we could have worked round it - but you made it fairly clear that you won't entertain discussion about it. So all that has acheived is to make me feel bottom of the pile in your list of priorities - it really didn't seem to matter to you that it might have upset me. But then again, today has shown me that at the moment, at least, the only person you are thinking about is you. It's times like this when we cease to function as a couple who discuss arrangements together - and you go back to it all being about you and just announcing how things will be. Maybe this seems petty to some, but I make so much effort to include you and to make sure that you can fit in with anything in my life - but then again, that's because you matter to me. Today it doesn't feel terribly reciprocal.

So here I am sitting upstairs writing this, as yet again you're sat on the sofa, nose in your laptop like I don't exist. For someone who says how much they missed me last week, you don't exactly seem very keen to spend any time with me. Then again, I'm sure there's some "reason" and all this is me being terribly unreasonable.

I can't really tell if this is a "bad" day for you on the depression front, or whether this is you just being "you". I'd come downstairs to sit with you, but I'm not sure you'd notice I was there.

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Prozac nation....

2007-11-30T17:01:54+01:00

On my internet wanderings today I ended up reading some reviews for books on Amazon that looked at the effect of Prozac and other SSRIs. What amazed me was that for every positive review about the books, there was one that warned, in nearly evangelical proportions, about the evils of SSRIs.

Put bluntly, the brain and its chemical composition are hugely complex and vary from individual to individual. It's simply not possible to create a pharmaceutical solution that will suit EVERY sufferer. We had all of this with the Panorama program about Seroxat too. I happened to be taking it at the time, and it worked very well for me, however there are people it didn't work so well for. But this is a fact of life in every part of the pharmaceutical industry, not just in the area of anti-depressants. Anyone put on a drug like this should be done so under supervision of their doctor - if it transpires that it's not effective or causing unwanted side-effects, then the option is there to stop taking it or to try a different drug. Stop the scare-mongering - this is a valuable way to make the quality of living so much better for a huge number of people - but no one is saying, and no one believes that it's 100% fail safe.

In our experience, my partner has now been taking Prozac for 5 months, and certainly at this stage we can say that it has totally changed his situation. Beforehand his depression was quite severe and he was gradually unable to function normally in quite alot of areas of his life - work / social etc. Today he has a part-time job - several other projects on the go, he has resumed a normal social life and can cope with alot of the stresses that life tends to throw one's way. This is a total change from before and for him (and me) life is just so much better. Of course there are still days when he's a bit quieter, or finds things a bit of a struggle, but that's ok - and we both know to expect that. It's given him the breathing space to get back on his feet, and more importantly to be able to look back on the last few years and now see that he really wasn't very well. That's part of the trouble with depression, you don't realise there's anything wrong with YOU, you think it's other people... so now he can see that he wasn't well and now he can start on the road to recovery and getting hislife back on track. Gone are the days of feeling numb about everything - these days he looks forward to various occasions, and feels the whole gamut of emotions that you and I would take for granted. Most days he smiles and laughs - something that I'd almost forgotten he had the capacity to do. Most importantly for me, he now knows that I was always on his side trying to support him. He knows that he is loved and that this is unconditional.

Being the partner of a depressive can be the bleakest and loneliest of places. This blog is about showing that there is hope and there can be recovery - it's also a "diary" of how that progresses - both good and bad. This time last year I would never have believed we could be in the place we are now - I really thought it was hopeless. How wrong I was, and how glad I am to be able to say that!

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Trust and fidelity

2007-11-30T15:57:48+01:00

Last night was tough - it tapped into all my insecurities. I suddenly realised towards the end of the evening that I hadn't heard from you so I called and you weren't in. Then I realised it was Thursday night and that always seemed to be the night that previously you'd go out and then there would be all this reluctance to say where the following day. Obviously, as you know, I subsequently found out that on those Thursdays you'd chatted with other girls in a local night club, and one night had ended getting a bit more intimate with one of them. The hurt of that takes a very long time to fade and whilst I was sure in my rational mind last night that there was a good explanation, the knotted feeling in my gut was pretty grim. Sure enough later on you called me - I've rarely been so pleased to hear your voice - you'd been at your parents sorting out your computer - of course there was a good explanation.... But it does make me realise that I don't know how to cope with the trust issue. I know that I need to for both our sakes, but you have, when you've been less well, been so dishonest and you've cheated and lied to my face. You were given a huge second chance on that - and you did it again. So third time round now - I don't know how to trust you. I need to for both our sakes - but can I? (and indeed, some of my friends would say, should I?)

I don't know how much of the womanising is part of your depression. Perhaps it's part of your personality. I don't think it's something you actually WANT to do - more that you need to constant reassurance and validation from people. But you need to get that from the people who mean something in your life - random strangers only give you a quick and meaningless "fix" that makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run. But you know that and we've talked about it.

So why have I brought this up on a day when I posted how much I missed you? I guess it seems like a huge contradiction - but this issue has been on my mind for a while. Part of the reason is to say to any partners of depressives who this happens to that I don't think it's as straightforward as "cheating". There are so many other subtexts and to a certain extent, we as the "significant others" just don't figure in the whole thing. Just in the terrible guilt afterwards.

Sometimes I ask myself whether it REALLY matters? You always come back to me, you always regret it, and it's not an emotional betrayl - just drunken stupidity and loneliness as a rule. I don't really know what the answer is... and most likely I change my mind depending on how things are in the relationship! Doubltess this is a subject that will be revisited at a later date...

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And I miss you....

2007-11-30T15:57:33+01:00

I just wanted to say how much I've missed you this week. I'm sure it's a good thing for us to be doing separate stuff etc, but the days have gone by very slowly without you here. At one time I would have found the break a relief from having to cope with your changeable moods, but you've been lovely this week whenever I've spoken to you... I guess abscence really does make the heart grow fonder!

It was at it's worst on Wednesday evening when I knew you'd come back in from a long day at work with very little sleep the previous night. The thought of you coming back to a dark chilly house and not being able to give you a hug, ask you how your day had been, and sit you down with a cup of tea felt terrible. I know that I emailed you a "virtual" version but it's not the same - I wanted to be there for you.

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Unofficial symptoms of depression

2007-11-26T17:04:09+01:00

Unofficial symptoms

This link is to Anne Sheffield's website about Depression Fallout. It gives a frank and honest description of the symptoms of depression as opposed to those listed in a typical medical leaflet!

All though this is a hugely positive day for us, I wanted to put a link to this before I forgot. I might come back to it later.

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Thank you

2007-11-26T16:59:19+01:00

I'm surprised that it's been so long since the last entry. When I started doing this, I thought it would end up being nigh-on a daily thing, but it's probably a good sign that I'm busy getting on with life instead of tapping away at a computer keyboard!

I wanted to write this post especially for you. I did say previously that I would try to make sure that I made reference to positive things as well as blowing off steam about the not-so-positive aspects!

I realised that part of the reason I'm writing this is that when things were very difficult between us, I bought a book called the "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield. It was a fabulous book that made a world of difference to how I approached our situation. I realised that there was so many aspects that I hadn't realised were suffered by partners the world over - it gave me confidence and courage to keep going. I suppose ulimately I might consider making this blog public or accessible to the partners of depressives. It makes so much difference hearing other people's stories - especially where there is hope.

This weekend absolutely MUST been seen as one of happiness and hope. My family had come over from the USA - it was a much awaited visit and you agreed to be a part of it. Other people's families can, at best, be challenging, especially when there were so many of them and it was truly chaotic. But you were fabulous. You were witty, engaging, well-mannered, great with the kids and you offered my mother so much help and support so that she wasn't stuck in the kitchen missing out. As you know - my father was so delighted by how you were that he made a point of commenting on it last night, and thanking you for all you'd brought to the occasion. It is with genuine sadness that we say goodbye to you today - we know you have to return for work reasons, but we all wish you'd been able to stay a little longer. Mum said she really felt you were part of our family and my brother was also astonished at the change in you over the last year. You should be SO proud of yourself. I know I am. This weekend was testament to exactly how much effort you have made to get better and to move forward with your life. There were times over the weekend when I knew you were finding things a bit overwhelming (in fairness I think we all were!!) but you stuck with it, with good humour and a smile.

Without wanting to sound negative - following events in the last couple of years, my family have found our relationship very difficult. Whilst they wish us both to be happy, they were understandably guarded about us rekindling our relationship. However this weekend I honestly felt that they finally understood WHY we'd given it another go, and more to the point that they approved. That's a huge step - they've always wanted you to feel welcome, but they engaged with you on a new level this weekend. It fills me with hope for the future.

Thank you so much. You did this for me and you knew how important it was. I feel cherished and loved. There will be hard times. It's inevitable with a depressive illness, but the Prozac seems to suit you well and the progress is impressive. We BOTH need to remember that when things aren't so good, that it's not the end of the world and that it doesn't spell doom and gloom for the relationship. I shall always look back on this weekend with very happy memories, and so much of that was brough about by you. I love you xxxxx

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This is for you

2007-11-12T22:17:08+01:00

Or maybe this is for me.

I doubt that this is ever something you will read - it's far more likely that this is a cathartic exercise. It's a sad sign because writing this is what I SHOULD be saying to you, if we had a healthy enough relationship that we could actually talk. However, the reality is that there is very little I can talk to you about. The manipulative behaviour, the dramatic rages, the hellfire and damnation behaviour - it's all engineered to stop me saying anything - and hey... it works.

We're approaching nearly 3 years together, albeit with a break in the middle. You have suffered terribly from depression and there can be no doubting that and no doubting the pain, unhappiness, fear and confusion you've been living with. It should also go without saying that whilst it took you a long time to recognise that there was a problem, when you did and when you felt ready, you took yourself to the doctor and started a course of Prozac. None of those are easy steps to take, but you did and I am immensely proud of you for that.

In so many ways I'm delighted that we're back together. I've had a chance to see the "new" or perhaps "real" you. He's wonderful, kind, affectionate. I love him very much. He's the polar opposite of the man I'd spent the previous 2 unhappy years with. I'm glad too that I've been vindicated in the sense that I knew there was someone really special in amongst all those black moods and terrible anger. Friends and family would be less keen to believe that of you but even they see the difference.

But even now, it's not always plain sailing. It was never going to get magically better - and if I thought for a moment that it was, then I was just fooling myself. I've started this blog because the last couple of days have been really very difficult - almost a throw back to times of old - I've felt despair and loneliness and I miss my friend / lover. I know that at the moment the last thing you need is endless talking and analysis - BUT I HAVE NEEDS TOO.... so here I am - the first of what I suspect will be many blog entries, that I hope, will get me through the tough times ahead.

I hope, to be fair to you, that I write about the positive times and that they don't become something that's overlooked on here because I'm busy getting on with our normal lives. I'll try and be fair and representative. But I'm not making any promises. For once this is just about me.

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