First of all I just wanted to thank those who took the time to comment on my last post. I hadn't really been expecting anyone to read these postings - they are a cathartic "outlet", but I'm so glad that you did. Your comments have given me alot of food for thought and support over the Christmas period and for that I thank you.
It also helped to have the perspective of another depressive - thank you for your openess about that. It's like a little translation phrasebook in a foreign country - gives me some idea of what's going on in his head - and you're quite right - I think alot of the time very little of it is about me - that's just not the space he's in.
To do him credit he was brilliant over the holidays - he joined my family the day after Boxing Day and made a huge effort to be easy going and good company. My parents were delighted and a jolly good time was had by all. This continued right up until New Year's Eve when he suddenly became very morose and sullen. Tricky situation when you're booked for a gig and he's offending the other band members! However, this will no longer be an issue for me in 2008 as I have decided not to gig with him anymore. He's under the impression that this is because of work and study commitments, but to be honest his erratic behaviour puts me under too much strain in those situations. My focus is the client - and that should be his focus too when we've taken a professional booking. It isn't and therefore can't continue. Having made that decision I've actually felt a huge sense of relief - so I guess it was the right one.
So 2008 is the start of new things for me - I begin an MSc next week - something I've wanted to do for ages - and this is really me doing something for ME. I'm very excited about it, and in many ways I think it's a very healthy thing as it's giving me a focus that has nothing to do with my partner and is also very positive. To date he has been very supportive about me doing this, which I really appreciate. He seems to have great confidence in me - I just need to believe that myself!
This is just a little niggle in the great scheme of things, but I do wish he would be supportive in more practical terms too. I seem to find myself in a never-ending circle of house-cleaning, food preparation, tea-making, shopping etc etc and he absolutely does NOTHING to help apart from the odd meal - probably on average once a month. I really resent this as I have a full time job and he works nominally one day a week. The rest of the time he spends on ebay and surfing the net. I suppose I should be grateful as not so long ago that included chatting up other women on dating sites! However, it leaves me feeling pretty drained and I don't know how I'm going to manage all this as well as the new course. If I raise it with him there are huge rows, tantrums and he storms out of the house. I can almost hear myself shouting at myself that I'm being manipulated here into changing my responses and behaviour to accomodate this! But what to do? It causes such tension if I say anything and I just don't need the stress of that. My mother says - well you can't change him -that's how he is...But I do resent being the bread winner and the housekeeper. Today he spent his last £450 on a set of bagpipes - today I spent the last of my money on the groceries and the bills....
