I'm conscious that I've probably been very up and down with my postings... I've had a bug for the last week or so and I'm finding things a bit hard going - probably more so than I normally would. There's also the issue that by venting my spleen on here, it takes the heat out of the situation between us...
Following on from you storming out the other night, you returned all smiles and hugs as if nothing had happened - you referred to it the following day, apologetic for your part but, I'm sure, still convinced that you'd done nothing wrong. In a way I'm happy to let it go because I hate the conflict, and life is so much better now that there's less of it. But on the otherhand, I was thinking today that there are times when they way that you speak to me is really unacceptable and I should do something about that / stand my ground on it, otherwise all I'm doing is colluding with your behaviour.
This leads to me to a question which is probably at the forefront of every depressive's partner's mind... How can you tell when the abusive / aggressive / sullen* (delete as applicable) behaviour is part of the depression, and when is it just bad behaviour?
I'm not sure I'm any the wiser on that than I was when we first met 3 years ago! On the one hand, I can't believe that you, as an educated, intelligent and well brought up adult, can think that the way you behave is acceptable. At the time it is so extreme and unpleasant I sometimes think of it almost as if you'd been "possessed"! I understand from my reading that this is a common occurence in depressives. The fact that you don't behave like that with anyone else makes me think that you have at least some sense of what is socially acceptable - although at the height of your depression you'd take against anyone, anywhere.
When you reflect on a particularly bad episode, your shame, distress and self-disgust is palpable, and I'm quite sure that at THAT moment, you'd have no intention of behaving in such a way.
But when the rage overtakes you, do you know what you're saying? Do you know what you're doing? Are you lashing out in defense or attack? Some of the things you say to me are incredibly spiteful, manipulative, and it would seem, calculated. You are highly intelligent and highly articulate, so the wounds your words cause can be very deep. I just don't know how aware of that you are at the time?
I maintained that right from the word go, I would stick with you through all this and support you so that you came out the other side. Despite my angry ramblings on here, you are doing extremely well, and I guess it's important not to loose sight of that in the everyday experience of living with this illness.
I am proud of you, and I do love you. I just wish it wasn't so hard... for both of us xxx
