Just for me

How can you tell and indeed, what do you do if you think a relationship might not be working for you?

I'm in this constant dilemna at the moment .... is this relationship worth it? If only I had a crystal ball!

More and more I see glimpses of the old "pre-prozac" behaviour.. I know he's forgotten to take it a couple of times this week and I don't know if that makes any difference? Suddenly the old "J" is back - arrogant, sarcastic, critical.

We did a gig tonight with a bunch of other people who we don't know that well, and sure enough, just like old times, his mood changed and he was making unpleasant, "under his breath" comments which just made everyone else uncomfortable. The comments were unjustified and it was plain rudeness. I can't work out whether this is just him or whether this is the depression. If it's the depression, I guess I'll stick it out - that's not his fault. But perhaps this is actually HIM - maybe he is just not very nice? I'm drawing to the conclusion that if that's the case, then I can't see this working out. I really don't like who he is when he behaves like this. I've always maintained that love is unconditional - but lately I've found it really hard to LIKE him.

This last week or so has seen very little in the way of affection or even companionship. As an Apple Mac fan, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I'm sick to the back teeth of seeing that glowing apple - and his face submerged behind the screen... It's like my only purpose is to clean, make tea, do shopping and fork out money. I'm amazed at how lonely I feel in this relationship. I tried an finally succeeded in talking to him about it earlier in the week - he seemed shocked that I felt that way and said he hadn't realised. I really thought he'd listened, but to be honest the rest of the week has carried on much as before. I almost feel I need to pinch myself sometimes to check that I actually exist... It's a well known fact in this house now, that unless you're a computer, a cat, or someone bringing a beer - you're pretty much invisible!

Is this the depression or is this what my "love" is really like? I wish someone could tell me - perhaps that should be a request on my Christmas list!

I'm conscious that I've probably been very up and down with my postings... I've had a bug for the last week or so and I'm finding things a bit hard going - probably more so than I normally would. There's also the issue that by venting my spleen on here, it takes the heat out of the situation between us...

Following on from you storming out the other night, you returned all smiles and hugs as if nothing had happened - you referred to it the following day, apologetic for your part but, I'm sure, still convinced that you'd done nothing wrong. In a way I'm happy to let it go because I hate the conflict, and life is so much better now that there's less of it. But on the otherhand, I was thinking today that there are times when they way that you speak to me is really unacceptable and I should do something about that / stand my ground on it, otherwise all I'm doing is colluding with your behaviour.

This leads to me to a question which is probably at the forefront of every depressive's partner's mind... How can you tell when the abusive / aggressive / sullen* (delete as applicable) behaviour is part of the depression, and when is it just bad behaviour?

I'm not sure I'm any the wiser on that than I was when we first met 3 years ago! On the one hand, I can't believe that you, as an educated, intelligent and well brought up adult, can think that the way you behave is acceptable. At the time it is so extreme and unpleasant I sometimes think of it almost as if you'd been "possessed"! I understand from my reading that this is a common occurence in depressives. The fact that you don't behave like that with anyone else makes me think that you have at least some sense of what is socially acceptable - although at the height of your depression you'd take against anyone, anywhere.

When you reflect on a particularly bad episode, your shame, distress and self-disgust is palpable, and I'm quite sure that at THAT moment, you'd have no intention of behaving in such a way.

But when the rage overtakes you, do you know what you're saying? Do you know what you're doing? Are you lashing out in defense or attack? Some of the things you say to me are incredibly spiteful, manipulative, and it would seem, calculated. You are highly intelligent and highly articulate, so the wounds your words cause can be very deep. I just don't know how aware of that you are at the time?

I maintained that right from the word go, I would stick with you through all this and support you so that you came out the other side. Despite my angry ramblings on here, you are doing extremely well, and I guess it's important not to loose sight of that in the everyday experience of living with this illness.

I am proud of you, and I do love you. I just wish it wasn't so hard... for both of us xxx

How sad - I almost blogged this afternoon about how great things had been with you over the last few days - you'd been a paragon of shining lovely virtue; kind, considerate, affectionate. I'd been having such a great time with you since we got back home. The only reason I hadn't blogged was that I'd got caught up with some emails I had to do...

But it would seem that my pleasure was somewhat premature and misguided as you have now "left the building" yet again. It may have taken a while but there's a pattern here - you do that when someone doesn't comply with your wishes. As with this evening when you demanded that I apologise. I refused, not to be antagonistic, but actually because I didn't (and still dont) believe that I needed to. As a result while I was making your tea, you effected your now somewhat drama-queen routine of storming out of the house muttering "pity really, it was all going so well." And indeed it was. But if it's so important to you why do you always manage to undermine our relationship in this way?

I'm sure we will always disagree about what the problem was this time, but as far as I'm concerned you asked to blind comment on a band you were playing to me - I didn't rate it very much, but then you told me you'd be asked to front them. I'd obviously given the wrong answer and you were peeved - whether you say you were or not, your reaction, tone and body language all suggest that you were. What I object to is being effectively "set up" like that and then told that I'm "in a funny mood" etc when I give the wrong answer.

I was fine - as you know I've been off colour during the last few days - but nonetheless I wanted to welcome you home warmly this evening, which I thought I'd done pretty well at! Surely you of all people should understand how infuriating it is when you take the blame for something under the guise of {"being in a mood" when you felt perfectly fine?!

What I can't understand is why you feel the need to get so snipey and unpleasant. It does nothing to strengthen our relationship and it does little to suggest that you respect and love me. I know everyone says things in anger - but you seem to say them with such ease - it takes so little for you to fly into a fury where you don't care whether you insult or belittle me. I'm sure there's an element of the depression in there, but you need to understand that they way that you treat me still hurts.

I don't like the manipulative games that you play. The storming out is really one of your trump cards. It's actually a form of controlling and bullying. If I don't say what you want me to say - you storm out. You know that it upsets me when you do, so you use it as a form of leverage. But it doesn't work - as you will have found out this evening. I'm not going to follow you out begging you not to go. Frankly if that's the way you're going to behave - I'd rather you did go. We both know that the only resolution is for me to apologise endlessly while you "punish" me for a while with rank disapproval and silence. Eventually you'll thaw and it'll be ok.... but it's not ok. This is not a healthy way to have relationships with people. There needs to be a sense of equality in any relationship - but for various reasons, you seem to need to control me. In the past you have because I would have done anything to keep the peace. I now know that this was the wrong thing to do as all it did was create an abusive environment.

I'm not going back to that again.

So... after all the waiting to see you this week, only 18 hours after you arrive, I already feel hurt. I wanted to see you so much, and last night when you arrived you were pretty good - it was good to see you. But then this morning it's like being with a stranger. The way you behaved to Anne about completing the CRB check forms was just appalling. I'm quite sure you were well aware of how rude you were being, and deliberately difficult - well bully for you, you made your point - but you embarrassed me and someone who was just trying to do their job.

Then when we get home you casually mention to my parents and I that a change of family plans means that you won't be coming for Christmas now until the 28th. First things first - I'm a huge supporter of family values and wouldn't for a minute suggest that you DIDN'T see them. What hurts is the fact that you announced it - there was no discussion about it - it was a fait acomplis. If you really wanted to, there are plenty of ways we could have worked round it - but you made it fairly clear that you won't entertain discussion about it. So all that has acheived is to make me feel bottom of the pile in your list of priorities - it really didn't seem to matter to you that it might have upset me. But then again, today has shown me that at the moment, at least, the only person you are thinking about is you. It's times like this when we cease to function as a couple who discuss arrangements together - and you go back to it all being about you and just announcing how things will be. Maybe this seems petty to some, but I make so much effort to include you and to make sure that you can fit in with anything in my life - but then again, that's because you matter to me. Today it doesn't feel terribly reciprocal.

So here I am sitting upstairs writing this, as yet again you're sat on the sofa, nose in your laptop like I don't exist. For someone who says how much they missed me last week, you don't exactly seem very keen to spend any time with me. Then again, I'm sure there's some "reason" and all this is me being terribly unreasonable.

I can't really tell if this is a "bad" day for you on the depression front, or whether this is you just being "you". I'd come downstairs to sit with you, but I'm not sure you'd notice I was there.