Last night was tough - it tapped into all my insecurities. I suddenly realised towards the end of the evening that I hadn't heard from you so I called and you weren't in. Then I realised it was Thursday night and that always seemed to be the night that previously you'd go out and then there would be all this reluctance to say where the following day. Obviously, as you know, I subsequently found out that on those Thursdays you'd chatted with other girls in a local night club, and one night had ended getting a bit more intimate with one of them. The hurt of that takes a very long time to fade and whilst I was sure in my rational mind last night that there was a good explanation, the knotted feeling in my gut was pretty grim. Sure enough later on you called me - I've rarely been so pleased to hear your voice - you'd been at your parents sorting out your computer - of course there was a good explanation.... But it does make me realise that I don't know how to cope with the trust issue. I know that I need to for both our sakes, but you have, when you've been less well, been so dishonest and you've cheated and lied to my face. You were given a huge second chance on that - and you did it again. So third time round now - I don't know how to trust you. I need to for both our sakes - but can I? (and indeed, some of my friends would say, should I?)
I don't know how much of the womanising is part of your depression. Perhaps it's part of your personality. I don't think it's something you actually WANT to do - more that you need to constant reassurance and validation from people. But you need to get that from the people who mean something in your life - random strangers only give you a quick and meaningless "fix" that makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run. But you know that and we've talked about it.
So why have I brought this up on a day when I posted how much I missed you? I guess it seems like a huge contradiction - but this issue has been on my mind for a while. Part of the reason is to say to any partners of depressives who this happens to that I don't think it's as straightforward as "cheating". There are so many other subtexts and to a certain extent, we as the "significant others" just don't figure in the whole thing. Just in the terrible guilt afterwards.
Sometimes I ask myself whether it REALLY matters? You always come back to me, you always regret it, and it's not an emotional betrayl - just drunken stupidity and loneliness as a rule. I don't really know what the answer is... and most likely I change my mind depending on how things are in the relationship! Doubltess this is a subject that will be revisited at a later date...
