Just for me

On my internet wanderings today I ended up reading some reviews for books on Amazon that looked at the effect of Prozac and other SSRIs. What amazed me was that for every positive review about the books, there was one that warned, in nearly evangelical proportions, about the evils of SSRIs.

Put bluntly, the brain and its chemical composition are hugely complex and vary from individual to individual. It's simply not possible to create a pharmaceutical solution that will suit EVERY sufferer. We had all of this with the Panorama program about Seroxat too. I happened to be taking it at the time, and it worked very well for me, however there are people it didn't work so well for. But this is a fact of life in every part of the pharmaceutical industry, not just in the area of anti-depressants. Anyone put on a drug like this should be done so under supervision of their doctor - if it transpires that it's not effective or causing unwanted side-effects, then the option is there to stop taking it or to try a different drug. Stop the scare-mongering - this is a valuable way to make the quality of living so much better for a huge number of people - but no one is saying, and no one believes that it's 100% fail safe.

In our experience, my partner has now been taking Prozac for 5 months, and certainly at this stage we can say that it has totally changed his situation. Beforehand his depression was quite severe and he was gradually unable to function normally in quite alot of areas of his life - work / social etc. Today he has a part-time job - several other projects on the go, he has resumed a normal social life and can cope with alot of the stresses that life tends to throw one's way. This is a total change from before and for him (and me) life is just so much better. Of course there are still days when he's a bit quieter, or finds things a bit of a struggle, but that's ok - and we both know to expect that. It's given him the breathing space to get back on his feet, and more importantly to be able to look back on the last few years and now see that he really wasn't very well. That's part of the trouble with depression, you don't realise there's anything wrong with YOU, you think it's other people... so now he can see that he wasn't well and now he can start on the road to recovery and getting hislife back on track. Gone are the days of feeling numb about everything - these days he looks forward to various occasions, and feels the whole gamut of emotions that you and I would take for granted. Most days he smiles and laughs - something that I'd almost forgotten he had the capacity to do. Most importantly for me, he now knows that I was always on his side trying to support him. He knows that he is loved and that this is unconditional.

Being the partner of a depressive can be the bleakest and loneliest of places. This blog is about showing that there is hope and there can be recovery - it's also a "diary" of how that progresses - both good and bad. This time last year I would never have believed we could be in the place we are now - I really thought it was hopeless. How wrong I was, and how glad I am to be able to say that!

Last night was tough - it tapped into all my insecurities. I suddenly realised towards the end of the evening that I hadn't heard from you so I called and you weren't in. Then I realised it was Thursday night and that always seemed to be the night that previously you'd go out and then there would be all this reluctance to say where the following day. Obviously, as you know, I subsequently found out that on those Thursdays you'd chatted with other girls in a local night club, and one night had ended getting a bit more intimate with one of them. The hurt of that takes a very long time to fade and whilst I was sure in my rational mind last night that there was a good explanation, the knotted feeling in my gut was pretty grim. Sure enough later on you called me - I've rarely been so pleased to hear your voice - you'd been at your parents sorting out your computer - of course there was a good explanation.... But it does make me realise that I don't know how to cope with the trust issue. I know that I need to for both our sakes, but you have, when you've been less well, been so dishonest and you've cheated and lied to my face. You were given a huge second chance on that - and you did it again. So third time round now - I don't know how to trust you. I need to for both our sakes - but can I? (and indeed, some of my friends would say, should I?)

I don't know how much of the womanising is part of your depression. Perhaps it's part of your personality. I don't think it's something you actually WANT to do - more that you need to constant reassurance and validation from people. But you need to get that from the people who mean something in your life - random strangers only give you a quick and meaningless "fix" that makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run. But you know that and we've talked about it.

So why have I brought this up on a day when I posted how much I missed you? I guess it seems like a huge contradiction - but this issue has been on my mind for a while. Part of the reason is to say to any partners of depressives who this happens to that I don't think it's as straightforward as "cheating". There are so many other subtexts and to a certain extent, we as the "significant others" just don't figure in the whole thing. Just in the terrible guilt afterwards.

Sometimes I ask myself whether it REALLY matters? You always come back to me, you always regret it, and it's not an emotional betrayl - just drunken stupidity and loneliness as a rule. I don't really know what the answer is... and most likely I change my mind depending on how things are in the relationship! Doubltess this is a subject that will be revisited at a later date...

I just wanted to say how much I've missed you this week. I'm sure it's a good thing for us to be doing separate stuff etc, but the days have gone by very slowly without you here. At one time I would have found the break a relief from having to cope with your changeable moods, but you've been lovely this week whenever I've spoken to you... I guess abscence really does make the heart grow fonder!

It was at it's worst on Wednesday evening when I knew you'd come back in from a long day at work with very little sleep the previous night. The thought of you coming back to a dark chilly house and not being able to give you a hug, ask you how your day had been, and sit you down with a cup of tea felt terrible. I know that I emailed you a "virtual" version but it's not the same - I wanted to be there for you.

Unofficial symptoms

This link is to Anne Sheffield's website about Depression Fallout. It gives a frank and honest description of the symptoms of depression as opposed to those listed in a typical medical leaflet!

All though this is a hugely positive day for us, I wanted to put a link to this before I forgot. I might come back to it later.

I'm surprised that it's been so long since the last entry. When I started doing this, I thought it would end up being nigh-on a daily thing, but it's probably a good sign that I'm busy getting on with life instead of tapping away at a computer keyboard!

I wanted to write this post especially for you. I did say previously that I would try to make sure that I made reference to positive things as well as blowing off steam about the not-so-positive aspects!

I realised that part of the reason I'm writing this is that when things were very difficult between us, I bought a book called the "Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield. It was a fabulous book that made a world of difference to how I approached our situation. I realised that there was so many aspects that I hadn't realised were suffered by partners the world over - it gave me confidence and courage to keep going. I suppose ulimately I might consider making this blog public or accessible to the partners of depressives. It makes so much difference hearing other people's stories - especially where there is hope.

This weekend absolutely MUST been seen as one of happiness and hope. My family had come over from the USA - it was a much awaited visit and you agreed to be a part of it. Other people's families can, at best, be challenging, especially when there were so many of them and it was truly chaotic. But you were fabulous. You were witty, engaging, well-mannered, great with the kids and you offered my mother so much help and support so that she wasn't stuck in the kitchen missing out. As you know - my father was so delighted by how you were that he made a point of commenting on it last night, and thanking you for all you'd brought to the occasion. It is with genuine sadness that we say goodbye to you today - we know you have to return for work reasons, but we all wish you'd been able to stay a little longer. Mum said she really felt you were part of our family and my brother was also astonished at the change in you over the last year. You should be SO proud of yourself. I know I am. This weekend was testament to exactly how much effort you have made to get better and to move forward with your life. There were times over the weekend when I knew you were finding things a bit overwhelming (in fairness I think we all were!!) but you stuck with it, with good humour and a smile.

Without wanting to sound negative - following events in the last couple of years, my family have found our relationship very difficult. Whilst they wish us both to be happy, they were understandably guarded about us rekindling our relationship. However this weekend I honestly felt that they finally understood WHY we'd given it another go, and more to the point that they approved. That's a huge step - they've always wanted you to feel welcome, but they engaged with you on a new level this weekend. It fills me with hope for the future.

Thank you so much. You did this for me and you knew how important it was. I feel cherished and loved. There will be hard times. It's inevitable with a depressive illness, but the Prozac seems to suit you well and the progress is impressive. We BOTH need to remember that when things aren't so good, that it's not the end of the world and that it doesn't spell doom and gloom for the relationship. I shall always look back on this weekend with very happy memories, and so much of that was brough about by you. I love you xxxxx

Or maybe this is for me.

I doubt that this is ever something you will read - it's far more likely that this is a cathartic exercise. It's a sad sign because writing this is what I SHOULD be saying to you, if we had a healthy enough relationship that we could actually talk. However, the reality is that there is very little I can talk to you about. The manipulative behaviour, the dramatic rages, the hellfire and damnation behaviour - it's all engineered to stop me saying anything - and hey... it works.

We're approaching nearly 3 years together, albeit with a break in the middle. You have suffered terribly from depression and there can be no doubting that and no doubting the pain, unhappiness, fear and confusion you've been living with. It should also go without saying that whilst it took you a long time to recognise that there was a problem, when you did and when you felt ready, you took yourself to the doctor and started a course of Prozac. None of those are easy steps to take, but you did and I am immensely proud of you for that.

In so many ways I'm delighted that we're back together. I've had a chance to see the "new" or perhaps "real" you. He's wonderful, kind, affectionate. I love him very much. He's the polar opposite of the man I'd spent the previous 2 unhappy years with. I'm glad too that I've been vindicated in the sense that I knew there was someone really special in amongst all those black moods and terrible anger. Friends and family would be less keen to believe that of you but even they see the difference.

But even now, it's not always plain sailing. It was never going to get magically better - and if I thought for a moment that it was, then I was just fooling myself. I've started this blog because the last couple of days have been really very difficult - almost a throw back to times of old - I've felt despair and loneliness and I miss my friend / lover. I know that at the moment the last thing you need is endless talking and analysis - BUT I HAVE NEEDS TOO.... so here I am - the first of what I suspect will be many blog entries, that I hope, will get me through the tough times ahead.

I hope, to be fair to you, that I write about the positive times and that they don't become something that's overlooked on here because I'm busy getting on with our normal lives. I'll try and be fair and representative. But I'm not making any promises. For once this is just about me.